Four years ago, I graduated with a bachelor’s degree in Mechanical Engineering. When I told people that I was going to engineering school, they would say two things. First they would ask, “What kind of engineer?” Second they would say, “Wow! That’s really hard.” But it wasn’t hard for me, it felt right. Like there was nothing else that I could be doing that would make sense than to go to school to get an engineering degree. The work, while time-consuming, was fun and fairly easy. Today, when I’m asked about my ministry work, I get a similar response, “Wow! That’s really hard.” But just like engineering school, it feels right to me. Like there is nothing else that I could be doing that would make more sense.
I’m always amazed at how comfortable I feel at PrideFest. It’s like, I know these people. They’re my kin. They’re my family. While there are some people that I don’t “get”, for the most part, I understand them. I know what they want and I know how they feel. I’m no so far removed from them that I can’t remember myself there. That was the life I built. Maybe, that’s why I go back every year; to remind myself of the sin of my own heart. This keeps me firmly clinging to the foot of the cross.
I’ve often wondered why others see it as hard. This year, I think I’ve come to a greater understanding. In the last two weeks, I’ve had conversations in which the other person (neither have ever struggled with homosexuality) has explained to me the feeling they get. It’s like – something just isn’t right here. I remember the feeling I had when I met my first “partner”. I didn’t know who she was, but I knew she was gay just by the way she acted and I was scared. I was being judged according to the way I looked and I felt violated. That’s why it’s hard. It’s the sense that who I am matters less than I what I look like.
No doubt, there is much leering at PrideFest. Many are looking for their next sexual partner, either for the evening or for long-term. But that’s a small part of the population. Most are there because it’s the only place where they feel they really belong. They don’t like the overt sexualization of the lifestyle. They really just want to be normal people, but feel that it is unobtainable, so they settle for what is available, faults and all. At least here, they are only being judged on the outside (looks) and not on the inside. The truth is they have learned to accept the judgment of their bodies and to look beyond that to see what’s inside. We have so much we can learn from them.
There are three people in particular who I think about. One has left drug addictions behind and gotten her GED, yet still cannot gain the love of her parents. She dresses outrageously, pierces many parts of her body all in order to make herself standout in a crowd. She’s afraid that if she doesn’t do these things, that she will lose herself, and that she will become unloved. When I told her this weekend that has she a friend, she tightened her hug and said “Thanks!”
Another, feels that the only reason anyone loves her is because she is beautiful. Some time again, I told her that I thought she was beautiful, and she reacted with disgust. She doesn’t want that to be the defining factor of her life, yet she feels powerless to change that. She has given up things that reveal her inner beauty. She feels she must suppress internal beauty because the only thing that makes her loveable is her external beauty. When I saw her that Sunday, I asked about this and I could see that it still pains her to think about it. How I pray she could share what’s inside without fear that it would destroy people’s understanding of who she is from her external looks.
And yet another, whom I’ve seen grow up. She looks the same today as she did 20 years ago, when she was 11 years-old. She’s short and stout and has been called “Brute”. Her life has been shaped by lesbianism. She was raised by her mom and her mom’s long-term partner. They got together when she was just 1-year-old. They are the only parents she’s ever know. her mom broke off the relationship when she proclaimed her lesbianism. It filled her mom with guilt and shame. Her mom felt like it was her fault. Her mom is a Christian woman, who had been violated by men her entire life and was thankful to have someone to love her, but to accept a lifestyle that separates her from God forever, was something she could never do. Today, she refuses to go to church because she feels so dirty and shameful. Please pray for this woman. She is very dear to me and my heart breaks for her.
God continues to use this ministry to solidify relationships. This is not the place to start the building process, but it is the place where we can show our love for those we have met and also where trust is made firm. The people I talk to there are happy to see me, though they know why I’m there. They know that I’m there to love them.
I want to thank all of you who prayed for us. We felt your prayers and we knew that we were protected by our loving God. I felt the warfare around me and I took comfort in it. I knew that my God was more powerful and though the war is just beginning, the troops are being moved into position for victory.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I apologize that it took so long to get it to you, but I took some time away for rest. I do ask for your continued prayers for the men and women who are trapped in a world they don’t really want to be in because they see no other better alternative.
